Saturday, November 15, 2008

FEMA Educates Firefighters on UFOs; Why Not the Rest of Us?

Found an interesting post on Gizmodo regarding a FEMA manual for firefighters on disaster control. Pretty understandable for a federal agency like FEMA to want to standardize responses to emergency situations but this six hundred some pages contain a chapter on what to do in the event of UFO encounter related emergencies.

The question in my mind is; if FEMA is dedicating resources to this then: (1) Why is the public not made aware of this chapter in the guide and (2) why isn’t this type of emergency response plan taught in our schools to our children? Since FEMA thinks all knowledge should be in the hands of the federal government and its first responders I thought I’d publish an emergency list of advice of my own that I’ve compiled from whatever UFO material there is that the public is allowed access to.

Some aliens dissolve in water. If approached by a hostile alien and you have no alternative; try throwing water on them. Apparently this may also works for witches. Try to keep a bottle of water or filled squirt gun within reach at all times in the event that you find yourself in either of these types of encounters.

Stranded aliens will try to make use of our resources to Phone Home for a pickup. Unless you have a good data plan you may want to secure your smartphone to avoid really obscene long distance charges. These aliens are generally non-violent and can easily be distracted by candy. Yeah, in some ways they are smart (interstellar travel), but in other ways they’re pretty dumb (eating candy off the ground).

When aliens “come in peace” and appear to look just like us be wary. If you get a chance, try to scratch the skin of one. They may be reptilian creatures in disguise, here to process us for snacks. If you suspect a friend or neighbour of being one of these aliens leave small rodents in their presence and check for a Pavlovian response. Call 911 immediately should this occur.

In some situations alien technology can be disrupted with computer viruses. A good way to obtain these viruses is by using Limewire or searching for porn using IE5. FEMA is currently working in cooperation with Microsoft to keep IE5 available to the public.

When your Corellian Cruiser is boarded by aliens dressed in white armor led by an alien in black armor looking for secret plans, just give up the ambassador. Claiming that you’re on a diplomatic mission will not help and will probably just anger the guy in charge.

FEMA’s directives currently only address emergencies as a result of an alien invasion. Should you have an emergency related to Ghosts, Werewolves or Godzilla like creatures you’re pretty screwed for now.

No comments: